Hi my name’s Mike & I’m sure you’ve guessed by now I’m the best man.
Can I first of all thank you all for coming. I know it means a lot to Matt & Nikki that their friends & family are here today to witness them getting married but more importantly witness me make a fool of myself with this speech.
I’d personally like to thank Matt & Nikki for making me dress like this, I can honestly say that last time I felt this uncomfortable I was when I had my wisdom teeth removed.
I’ve been given a lot of advice & encouragement on how this speech should go.
Encouragement from Matt. Who told me not to worry & to just relax! However, he did say if I did mess it up I’d ruin his wedding day.
So I’m under no pressure what so ever to get this right. Cheers Mate
I’ve also received advice from Nikki to keep the speech nice & more importantly clean.
She also gave me this list to follow in regards, to the speech and my general conduct for the day.
Remember at all times that her family are present.
Remember at all times that Matt’s family are present.
So don’t get drunk.
Do not use bad language.
Do not tell dirty jokes. – So, if you want to hear the one about the vicar, nun & prostitute come & see me at the bar later.
Do not use your fingers when eating.
Do not take food from anybody else’s plate.
Do not sing. – Not sure why, I have the voice of an angel!
Do not pick your nose.
Do not talk about Matt’s little problem. (make gesture with little finger)
Do not leer at women with low cut tops. (Too Late)
Do not belch.
Do not harass the bridesmaids. – Not till I’ve had a drink.
Do not steal anything. – (Take cutlery out of pocket & put back on table)
And do not let Matt do any of the above as well.
I really have no idea what Nikki thinks I might say. No idea at all
Anyway in keeping with Nikki’s advise I won’t be talking about the time Matt tried to chat up a mates mum or the numerous times he raided his dad drinks cabinet whilst underage & topped up the bottle with water.
But I’d like to take this opportunity make one thing very clear Matt as never ever made a prank phone call.
Certainly not to anyone in this room. Anyway
Ok on to the real speech.
How would I describe Matt, hardworking, loyal and funny with a razor sharp wit, which hasn’t always been a good thing especially when dealing with the police or drunks for instance?
These people don’t seem to get Matt’s sense of humor, for some reason they believe he’s taking the Michael when in fact he’s taking the piss.
But Matt’s mellowed as well as greyed in his old age especially now he’s a father, he enjoys nothing more than long walks in the countryside, or as he calls it golf.
Actually Matt tells me that he’s getting pretty good & apparently sees himself as the next Tiger Woods, I’m sure he means only in the golfing sense and nothing else. Fingers crossed
As some of you might know Matt’s a keen Man United fan but as a Liverpool fan I don’t hold this against him even after Man U’s jammy win last Sunday.
I’m just glad the wedding was this Sunday not last Sunday as for 90mins me and Matt weren’t on speaking terms. In fact until the last couple of minutes Matt was texting me questioning whether I had a father or not.
Although I’ll give Matt credit he isn’t one for gloating but he does do smug very very well.
I must now come to a close so that we can start the meal and, more importantly, start the drinking. I noticed Matt was fidgeting a bit, and we all know how he gets when blood starts entering his alcohol stream.
And the sooner we eat the sooner we get to see Matt (the white Michael Jackson) Clark on the dance floor.
And I don’t think anyone wants to miss that.
So please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the new Mr & Mrs Clark.
Matt & Nikki